Gambling jokes

• A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. The dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However, none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.
  Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue, so between hands he quietly said to one of the players,
  - I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!
  The player smiled and said,
  - He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.
  
  
  
  
• A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
  
  "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.
  
  "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
  
  Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."
  
  
  
  
• A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000.
  He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.
  "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.
  The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
  The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
  
  
  
  
• Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot.
  He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
  Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
  "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"
  
  
  
  
• A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A man near-by suggests she play her age, so she puts her money on number 35. The wheel is spun, and 43 comes up. The woman faints.
  
  
  
• There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!
  
  
  
• Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
  A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
  The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
  Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"